"Boy has it been a hot summer. They call this the dog days of summer. Especially if you’re Michael Vick. Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring. You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out. Did you hear his excuse? He said, "The bitch set me up.”"

-Jay Leno

"Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems."